Thursday, March 15, 2012

Marriage According to the Bible: It's Not What You Think!

Before you rise up and take a stand in favor of the Biblical rules for marriage, read this and be afraid. Be very afraid...

"Let us be thankful for the fools; but for them the rest of us could not succeed." Mark Twain

You've heard it on TV and radio, you've read it in the papers. The former Republican administration made it clear that it wanted to set a Biblical standard for marriage, that is, the joining in holy and legal matrimony of one man and one woman. Even the current president, Barak Obama, is not ready to grant full marriage equality to all people in the U.S.

OK, fine. Then let's see what the Bible has to say about it.

The following is from a U-U (Unitarian-Universalist) minister in Massachusetts:


The Presidential Prayer Team (under George W. Bush) is currently urging us to "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With many forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on Biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women (Genesis 29:17-28; II Samuel 3:2-5).
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives (II Samuel 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chronicles 11:21).
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden (Genesis 24:3; Numbers 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Nehemiah 10:30).
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any state, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce (Deuteronomy 22:19; Mark 10:9).
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law (Genesis 38:6-10; Deuteronomy 25:5-10).
G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your father drunk and have sex with him (even if he previously offered you up as a sex toy to men young and old), tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female (Genesis 19:31-36).


There you have it, people. All the reasons you need to turn marriage into the nightmare you never knew it could be.

Keep religion out of all forms of government. It is not a good mix.


  1. Hehe - on point G though: it's only applicably in an apocalyptic situation when and where you truly believe that your family is the last ones left.

  2. Or at least if you're able to convince someone, right? Thanks for the comment.


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